'It’s Not You, It’s Me' Is Usually a Lie

Everyone’s heard it. Most people have said it.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

But is it actually true, or just the easiest way out?

In this episode, we break down what people really mean when they say it, why it’s used so often in dating, and whether it’s honesty or just avoiding the truth.

If you’ve ever been on either side of it, this one hits.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Coffee and Cleavage. Welcome guys. I'm Linny. And I'm Claudia. Cheers. Hello, Gary.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Hey ladies. How you doing?

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Doing pretty good. How are you?

SPEAKER_00 0:10

I'm doing great.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

You guys are looking great today. I like the outfits.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Is it us that look good or I think it's Claudia's tits that look really good, actually?

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Gary, you could just say that. I know.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Speaking of boobs, enhanced boobies.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

Oh, yeah. Can we talk about our sponsor for a very quick second?

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Yes, we can.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

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SPEAKER_01 1:35

Our topic is that classic line, it's not me, it's you.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

It's not you, it's me.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Yeah. Wow. Starting good.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

We're starting good, guys.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

The truth behind that classic line.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

But truly, I think that's what you mean to actually say when you say it's not you, it's me. That's what it actually means. It's not me, it's you.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

It's really you.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

So technically, you did say the correct thing. I I will die on that hill for you. Thank you. Yeah, no, you said it right, babe.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Everybody else is wrong.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

That makes me feel so much better.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

I mean, that is a very used, overused line in dating and all sorts of things, but have you used this line before?

SPEAKER_01 2:18

I mean, not exactly. Maybe kind of sugarcoating it in a way, but have I? Have you used that?

SPEAKER_02 2:27

It's not me. It's not you, it's yeah. Um, I don't know. I honestly don't know. I feel like, Gary, don't you feel like every question I ask Linny, she's never been in a shitty position. Because look at this goddess of a human.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

I do feel like that.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

She's like, she's have you ever had a rough anything in life?

SPEAKER_00 2:44

I couldn't see her saying that either. She's way too nice.

SPEAKER_02 2:47

She's so nice. She's so sweet. I'm so sorry that I'm your co-host on this because like you're so sweet, and I'm like, no, that's why you're my spirit animal.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

You guys balance each other out perfectly.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

We do, yeah. I'm the asshole, and she's the nice person. We kind of look like angel and devil today. We do. It makes sense. Perfect. Okay, so so let's let's dive into this. Have you used this line, Gary?

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Um, I don't think specifically that line. Okay. I don't think so, no. No, okay. But along the lines, kind of like what I'm saying, sugar coating at the because it's just a such a cliche line where people are gonna be like, bullshit. Okay. It's just such a cop out line almost.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Yeah, a cop out for sure.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Mm-hmm. So why does it trigger everyone? It feels vague.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

It's just an easy way out, I think. I mean, it's because essentially it's it's not you, it's me. Like I I'm in not like a good place right now. It's almost saying you could say all that without saying it.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Isn't it funny how like that's like one line that gives us accountability or like false accountability? Because I think the biggest, the biggest thing in dating and people just in general these days is like the lack of accountability people have for anything and everything in their lives. And I feel like this line gives you accountability because you're saying it's not you, it's me. But in every other situation, nobody takes accountability for anything, but they'll use this one cliche line and they think it gets them out of everything because they're accepting a little blame when it's it's bullshit. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

I was gonna say, what's the first word that comes to your mind when you hear that? That's exactly what I was thinking. Yeah. If anyone said that to me, I'd be like, fucking bullshit.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

Yeah, yeah. Like you're just exactly what I think. Yeah, like you said, it's it's a it's it's a cop out. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

You know, it leaves no closure, it's just very shitty.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Yeah, I I I mean Is that is that still a line we use though? Like I don't know. I I don't know. I haven't used it recently, at least. I mean, I've been married for 12 years.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

I think people do though, because you know, they they do it to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Yeah, I guess, even though it kind of hurts their feelings more because they think bullshit.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

What is uh Yeah, what is what is what is the point here? Yeah, and uh I think being confronted is is a big you know thing. A lot of people, I'm not very confrontational. Like I I don't like it. I will I'll do it, but I don't like it. So I think maybe it's like a line that like we use to just okay. If I just say these like couple words, it'll it'll make the problem go away, which it's like, oh it's you okay, it's fine then.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Okay, it's fine. Well, yeah, it's me. So good luck to you then.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

Okay, good luck with your next relationship. Have I and I mean since we we feel like we haven't used this line, but I wonder if anybody would actually take the time to explain why it's them and and not not you, you know, like or or do people just use that as such like a dismissive thing and just say, you know, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

I feel like people do that, and not just in relationships, but it could be maybe in business partners. Business, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Well, is that saying also like you're doing everything right, but it's me? Like I so it's almost saying like fix their way out without it's not what you're doing, like you're doing everything great, but it's me. And you're like, Oh, okay, well, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Like But then why can't the person be like, well then fix it? Yeah, well then fix you if you want this to work, like fix it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

It's just a cop out.

SPEAKER_02 6:19

I think it's a cop out. Yeah. And I wonder if it's tell us in the YouTube comments if you're watching this on YouTube, like what what do you think that line means? Because I feel like it's so overused. Like there's there's articles written about this line, like and it's and and we've actually when we've done like fan Q ⁇ A's, like they've asked, like, what is what does that mean? What I don't know. I don't know what it means, honestly. It it means the person that you're with is just I think not interested, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

They're not interested and it's their way out without hurting your feelings. I truly think that's what it comes down to.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

But do you think sometimes we need our feelings hurt so we could like work on things that we need to fix?

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Because then, you know, if you tell me that you you know, you hypothetically say it's not you, it's me, you're letting that person go on back into society and continue doing things wrong to other people, like thinking that they did everything right.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Didn't yeah, maybe, and then you you have this person that develops this complex thinking, well, it's not me because they told me it's not me. Yeah, and then this person becomes like a serial shitty dater.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

I feel like that's just a line like players use. Like, honestly, it's not it's not you, it's me. It's like I I just I think it like I couldn't even imagine saying that because I'd feel like such a fucking douche saying that.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

Like Gary the douche.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

I mean, I've I've like broken up with a decent amount of girls, and I would never say that. I just I would feel so like I'm such a fucking tool for saying this.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

Yeah. So when you've broken up with them, have you given them a reason then?

SPEAKER_00 7:54

I mean, I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not in like a good spot for relationship kind of. That's also douchey.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

That's also douchey. That's the same thing. It's not you, it's me. Yeah, it's the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

But what if you just don't want to be with them and you're like, how do you break it? Why can't you say that?

SPEAKER_02 8:08

I just don't wanna I just don't want to date you.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Because it's like you don't want to be such an asshole about it, but you're just you're just adding words to it's funny.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I don't know, Gary. I think that's just as bad.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

If you guys have broken up with a guy, how'd you do it? So you haven't broken up with a guy in a while, Claudia. So like where you know it's you like fucking break up with this person, it's really hard. And you almost want to like, hey, it's not you, honestly, it's me. So that's why I could see why people would do that. I could see it, but I just couldn't imagine saying it.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

The last time I broke up with someone, I just changed my phone number.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

That's one way to do it.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

So that's all I could say about that.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

That's very avoidant, but hey, I guess you do avoid confrontation. I do, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

I would figure you would be like, hey, stop calling me. We're fucking done.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

Me now, yeah, maybe, yeah, but me back then, no. How do you reject a guy?

SPEAKER_01 9:12

I have um gosh. Trying to think. Oh, all my all my relationships I've ended have been very long term. Okay. Yeah. So I mean it was like legitimate. Several things, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

It wasn't just like a high buy.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Like straight mainly I just say I haven't been happy. We want two different things, so we need to just go our separate ways.

SPEAKER_02 9:32

Yeah. The truth.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

Yeah. I think that's better. I mean, can you imagine being in like a tenure relationship being like, it's not you, it's me.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Right. You're like, what the hell? Or I'm not in a good place.

SPEAKER_02 9:47

What do you mean, our house? What what place? What are we what are we talking about?

SPEAKER_01 9:52

I feel like when you're in a long-term thing, you have to give them some kind of closure reason.

SPEAKER_02 9:57

Yeah, yeah. You owe them that a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

But what if you dated a guy for a little bit and he's wanting it still, and you're like, I just not feeling it.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Just change your number.

SPEAKER_00 10:06

You just are kind of and then they take a hint pretty much.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

Yeah, I've done that. Yeah. I think you you naturally start getting a little bit more quiet, not answering as quick, yes, yeah, not being available, you know, pulling away. Like, yeah. I mean, those such a fucking vibe.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

But don't you think that's what makes guys crazy though? Because then they're like, what the fuck? And why don't you just be like, hey, it's it's not like a fit for us. And you're and they're like, it fucks them up, but then they're like, all right, well, at least I know. Instead of just like ghosting them.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

Sometimes it's fun to play with them, you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

That's why guys are fucking all fucked up all the time. Or sorry. Girls, like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Sorry. Sorry, theme. I miss a girl. Sorry, not sorry.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

They're all talking to you, and you're just like, why is my text not going all of a sudden?

SPEAKER_02 10:53

What happened there? Have you seen that reel that's like you're breaking up with me, but there's a mirror in front of me, and it's like the audio's like saying like all these things, and the girl's like chucking herself in the mirror. That would be me. Like, no fucks given. Okay, so why why do people say this line? Like that we dove into this a little bit. Why do people, why do people say it?

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Well, yeah, I think it's just because they want to um they're avoiding confrontation.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

Yeah, that's a big one, I think. No spark. No spark. No spark. I think that's a big one. I mean, if if it's just not happening, but you don't want to tell somebody, because that's you know, that that could be a hurtful thing. Like, I just don't feel well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

Most people don't want to make people feel bad.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

I mean, like breaking, like, I mean, I've broken up with girls where they cry and it's so awkward and shit. And it's like, fuck, like, okay, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Like, I'm just gonna leave now.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

It's it's like you want to avoid that, so you're doing everything you possibly can to avoid that.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Yeah, yeah. And I think like with you know, our our day and age of cell phones and everything, like we were talking about this in another episode. Do you feel like you know, sometimes when you're talking to somebody on the phone and you're texting them, they're a different person than when you meet them in person?

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

And it's like, I enjoy talking to you on the phone, but then when we're in person, like you're like not yeah, we're like, where's this person? Like, why are you so shy? You know, like back, you know, 15, 20, 30 years ago, like we didn't have that.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

So who you saw was consistent all the way through. But now it's like, why are you such a good texter? But then in person, you like you can't communicate, or vice versa, you know. That's like the world today, though. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

I mean, you can just meet everyone online. You don't, I mean, like, yeah, it's like first girl I liked at a caller house, you know, like and asking her mom to now it's like, oh, I'm just going Tinder. It's like fuck it, just it's so easy now. Yeah, and you can just be typing them and be like, oh, I've talked for six months, maybe we should meet up, and they're all socially awkward when they meet up.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

Yeah, it's like it's different now. I think dating's gotten harder and easier, you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

I know exactly what you're saying too.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Easier access, but harder, just harder harder to connect and harder to yeah, yeah, for sure. All right, maybe they also don't want the same thing, like, and and maybe like for me, like if I was dating right now, like I'm 37, there's there's different things I want in different stages in my life, right? Like if if let's say I was dating a younger guy or a younger girl, and they just wanted to party, and you know, I'm not I'm not doing that anymore. Yeah, you know, like different levels, yeah. So so in that sense, you could say it's not you, it's me.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Cause you know, you're that would that would work actually. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:38

Yeah, you're allowed to be 25 and want to rage, but at 37, I'm not like I'm not doing that. We're not doing that shit anymore, you know. So different stages of life, I think that's you know, different timelines, like that's we're in different stages.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

I think that person would actually understand that too. Because if you're like, honestly, it's it's not you, it's me. Like, I'm not trying to go to bars every weekend and clubs and shit, you know. That's totally you, and they'd be like, Okay, I get it.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

You're maybe, but that person may also be like, Well, you're no fun, you know, because I'm almost 40. I don't want to fucking bob my head in the nightclub. Jesus Christ, like uh a six o'clock dinner sounding real good these days.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

I go to bed before you're going out, actually.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

Literally, do you guys remember that? Do you remember like getting ready to go out at like 10 p.m.? Yeah, yeah. Ew.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

I know.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

God pre-gaming at like 9 30 and be like, let's show up at 11. Now it's like, I like all the memes on Instagram about people in their 30s where they're just like, like, can't like plans get canceled and they're like, fuck yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Like, hey babe, do you mind if we cancel?

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Like it's so funny because everyone in their 30s, like upper 30s relates to that. It's like, fuck it, I don't like go out.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

I get it. But in your 20s, you're like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

You're like, I feel like a loser. It's Friday. I'm not doing shit. Like, I'm a fucking loser. Now it's like, cool, I want to stay at home.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Yeah, yeah. Me and my husband have this like rule. Like, we just started doing this, like, I think with them like last year, where we do not leave the house on Sundays. I don't care if you're married, I don't care if there's a christening, I don't care what is going on. We do not leave the house on a Sunday. Like Sunday we we Netflix, Sunday we order Jimmy Johns, and like we just we chill, and that's all we do.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

And like such a recharge there. Yeah, it's like your charge.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

But remember, like when you're younger, it's like Sundays are like brunch! Sunday, fun day. Yeah, Sunday, fun day, brunch. We're gonna drink, we're gonna have mimosas. Now I'm like, uh-uh. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

It's weird too, because it's like I don't even I mean, like, it was fun doing that, but it's like I don't miss that. Yeah, it's like you experience it, it's good you experience it, and then it's like, okay, cool.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

I feel like an old person watching like people's stories, I'm like, oh, they're having fun, good for them. Like, I don't want to do it, but good for you, young'un. Ah, that's funny. I think another good one is different uh effort levels, right? Because people have different ways of of of showing it's not you, it's me. Like maybe for me, if we're gonna date, I need the the the the full shebang. I need dates, I need text messaging all the time, I need you to check in, da da da. And there's other people that date that, you know, I'll talk to you once a day, we'll go out once a week. So for that, I would think it's once a day, once a week. Yeah, yeah. It's true. There are people like that. Like we were talking about this. I'm just not a good texter.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Yeah, bullshit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

So that's a good, it's it's not you, it's me. It different effort levels, you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, well, but the final truth, you know, sometimes it is about them, sometimes it's incompatibility. Um, always about moving forward. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

But what advice would you give to someone if they're trying to break up with someone like don't say that? But what can you say?

SPEAKER_01 16:59

I would just I mean I think just give some kind of a reason. So you give them closure, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:04

Honesty is the best policy, I think. Yeah, absolutely. And I think as you age, you really take a a liking to that saying because you just, you know, I don't want to hurt your feelings. There's my favorite saying in the world is it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

You could tell someone a fuck off, but if you say it nicely enough, they'll feel good about it. You know, so it's it's not what you say, it's how you say. So just be up front.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

Yeah. And I think, you know, if you do hurt their feelings, I think you probably will. But they'll actually respect you more.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

Yeah. I mean, it'll it'll hurt of course that breakup suck, but they do. But I rather know now than waste your time or my time.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Well, turning around, if someone says that to you, what's the best way to go about that to them?

SPEAKER_01 17:47

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00 17:48

So if someone says say it's they're saying it to you, like it's not me. It's you, or it's not you, it's me. How do you go to them? Like, do you say, like, we'll explain that more?

SPEAKER_01 17:57

I would want a reason to have my own closure because I feel like when you just don't give any explanation, that leaves the person, they they kind of go fucking crazy because then they're wondering.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

Yeah. So I mean, yeah. Even in friendships. I mean, that that could be a thing too. Like, friendship breakups are a real thing.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

I absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

And I think friendship breakups could be even harder than real than real breakups for sure. Yeah. And for that, you want to know too like how do I become a better friend? How do I become a better lover, a better partner, whatever? So, yeah. Okay, well, guys, let us know in the comments what does that mean to you? Yes. And have you said it before?

SPEAKER_01 18:35

And how did they take it?

SPEAKER_02 18:36

Yeah. Give us the scoop. We we want the details.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Cheers. Cheers, guys.