Why Everyone Thinks They've Dated a Narcissist (And Why Most Are Wrong)

Join Claudia and Lynnie as they unpack one of the most overused words on the internet: narcissist.

Today, it seems like every difficult ex, toxic friend, or controlling boss gets labeled a narcissist. But how often is that actually true?

In this episode, Claudia and Lynnie explore why so many people believe they've dated a narcissist, how social media has fueled the trend, and why it's important to separate everyday toxic behavior from true Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to Coffee and Cleavage. Welcome, guys. I'm Linny. And I'm Claudia. Cheers. And today we have Dax filling in for Gary. Hi, Dax.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hi girls. How are we doing?

SPEAKER_02 0:13

Good. How are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Thank you for joining us, Dax. We really appreciate it. Yeah, thank you. Happy to help today. Gary left us high and dry for a couple episodes. So you're the man of the hour. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

And here I am to join in and give some constructive insight and critical criticism and all of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Well, I think he'll like our topic then.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

I honestly think so too. Oh, well, Lenny, what are we discussing?

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Why is everyone suddenly talking about narcissists?

SPEAKER_00 0:44

You think I like it because you think I'm a narcissist?

SPEAKER_02 0:46

No. I just because it's an interesting topic.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

It's interesting to hear, especially what men have to say about it. Because I feel like all you see on social media is everybody thinks they know a narcissist. Everybody thinks their last five exes in a row were narcissists. When like, what is the statistic? Like only like 2% of the world or something is actually narcissists, but somehow all our friends have dated all of them. Yeah. Yeah, right. I know.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

I think I looked that up. I think it is like two or three percent of people or have diagnosed narcissism.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

But yet all of our friends' exes are somehow narcissists. He's a narcissist. Yeah. Everybody's a narcissist. Yeah. So we need to break down the nitty-gritty of narcissism because are we all dating narcissists or what what is the situation? Why are we all talking about them?

SPEAKER_00 1:34

I think people are just finding the wrong people and they're looking for a word when it doesn't work out.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

But statistically, like an actual narcissist, like there's like very specific traits. It's not just somebody that's like a liar or like everybody's like, oh, he's a sociopath. Like I think we're using these like grand words when the person is just probably an asshole.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Isn't there a book? Uh exactly. There's a book we can look like where they have the actual words for different, you know, things. DSM something. I mean, they go through this where you can actually break down whatever.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Can you look up on your phone and tell us like the actual definition of a narcissist? So we're not so we're not making things up because I know the keyboard warrior.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

I like what you said. Are they just mixing up with someone that's an asshole? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

And I I mean, but what are you gonna say about your exes? Like the reason they're exes is because obviously something had to go wrong at some point, but that doesn't make them a clinical narcissist. I mean, some of these stories I hear from my girlfriends, I'm like, okay, that's a little messed up, but I don't know if him sleeping with your best friend makes him a narcissist.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Not quite. He's just a cheater.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

Yeah, yeah, but not a narcissist. So what's the definition?

SPEAKER_00 2:46

So DSM5 was what I was referring to. And in DSM 5, narcissism is referred to as the foundational trait behind the narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD. It is characterized by a pervasive, inflexible pattern of grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration, and a profound lack of empathy, which begins by early adulthood. And it further breaks it down. Basically, a person characterized by an excessive interest in themselves, an extreme need for admiration, and a fundamental lack of empathy for others. While everyone can display selfish traits, a true narcissist consistently exploits relationships, feels entitled to special treatment, and harbors a grandiose sense of superiority.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Interesting. The lack of empathy thing's interesting. Yeah. Because I know a lot of people with a lack of empath empathy, but I don't think they're narcissistic necessarily. Have you ever dated like a like a true narcissist that like you actually think is like a narcissist?

SPEAKER_02 3:43

No, I have not actually. I don't think like I don't even know anybody like that. No. That's why I think it's not everyone makes it sound like it's so common. Yeah. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Every single girlfriend I know, her last ex is a narcissist. And I just think they're they're toxic.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

Toxic, yes. I think toxic is the word.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Yeah. And but but you know, all of a sudden, with the power of social media, we're all experts now on, you know, uh diseases and peptides and injections and this and and you know, psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists, like I think people need to like just I think people see the reels that come up because they're all over social media and they think, oh yes, you know. Well, a 15-second reel, I don't think, is a good indication of you know, making somebody clinically anything.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

I've met narcissists.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Are you are we talking about the same person? Tall?

SPEAKER_00 4:44

I we we might know the same person. Yeah, we might we might have come up in our our social circles, but tall and does internet things. Yeah, and when when I read into this more here, uh excessive need for admiration, they constantly create validation and praise and they become easily upset or angry by criticism. Um and grandiose self-importance, they exaggerate their achievements and expect to be recognized as superior. And it's funny because if we're talking about the same person, this person did an Iron Man and he told everyone he did an multiple Iron Man. Um, and I actually looked up his finishing uh time because I was curious, and he barely made the cutoff by like minutes. He didn't set the world record. He he he barely he they were closing up and cleaning things up, and he's still finishing, but he told the whole world about him being an Iron Man. I mean, I'm not an Iron Man, so obviously the big deal, but you know, he needed all this praise for what he did. It's like, my guy, you barely finished the thing.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

And the the empathetic part, I think that's like separates like when you see like real narcissistic traits, like something bad could happen to you. And if that person's telling you a story about themselves, that story's still more important than like you know what you're discussing. Like I could be like, my grandma died, and they could be like, Well, my grandma did too, but hers was much worse of a death than your grand. And it's like, are you do you have any sense of empathy or like they take it away from you and make it about them? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't I I've never met like a I've never dated like a true narcissist, though. Have you dated Dex? Any true narcissists?

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Dated, no, and I and I would have to look up this statistic, but I feel like narcissism probably carries more to men than women.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

You think so?

SPEAKER_00 6:33

I I think that might be a little bit of a generalization, but I would assume that's the case. Um, because women are naturally more nurturing, right? They they they they wouldn't have the traits that a narcissist would or should have.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

Um I feel like I I do feel like I have a few friends that are that kind of seem a little narcissist, narcissistic a little bit. That have the traits. Yeah, and maybe not all of them, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

So actually, here we go. Yes, men are more likely to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and score higher on average for narcissistic traits, particularly grandiose narcissism. However, experts often emphasize that narcissism manifests very differently depending on the gender, which often leads to female narcissists going undiagnosed or even misdiagnosed.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Interesting. Well then, but I feel like a man would just say a woman's a bitch, right? Yeah. Like I I don't think a man would walk around saying she's narcissistic. I think he'd just say she's, you know, a B word or a C word and we'll call it a day. But women, we are so quick to like have like a diagnosis ready for somebody because you know, because they did a couple like weird things. I really wish we could get like if you're watching this, maybe we could circle back to to this. If you're a narcissist, maybe we could get an actual narcissist. Do people admit it when they are though?

SPEAKER_02 7:57

I was just gonna ask that.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Do they know?

SPEAKER_02 8:00

No.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

I don't yeah, I don't think so. Do you ever watch that show? It's like it always pops up on Facebook for me. It's called like soft white underbelly or something, and they have like like the homeless people interviewed or like the drug addicts. Oh yeah. They do like these really beautiful interviews with them. There was one time like somebody came on as like a true sociopath, and he said he's like, I'm a diagnosis. Yeah, like yeah, like he's like, I am a sociopath. And like the interview was so like crazy because like they were showing like even behind the scenes parts where he was like going off on like the set people because the you know the lighting wasn't perfect, and it's like the behind the scenes showed more than like the interview did with them because he was so like like loony, like for real.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

So we need to we need to get a real narcissist on here.

SPEAKER_02 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

If you're watching and if you're a narcissist, we'd love to talk to you or like leave us a comment and tell us like why you're like narcissistic and can you knock it off?

unknown 8:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

In this, it says male narcissists tend to be more grandiose and overt, but female narcissists are considered more vulnerable and covert.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Vulnerable?

SPEAKER_00 9:04

So women are more likely to exhibit vulnerable or covert narcissism characterized by insecurity, emotional sensitivity, and passive aggressive behavior, such as asylum treatment, guilt tripping, or even sabotage. Because these traits overlap with femininity. Female narcissists are frequently misdiagnosed with conditions like borderline personality disorder. Interesting. So I think this goes into a whole conversation of when you use the word narcissism, like this is actually a a disorder, like a clinical disorder. And people throw this word around like it's you know, they're a brunette.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

But I think that's you know, that's the the topic here. It's like, why does everybody online these days uh read one thing and they think they're an expert in the field?

SPEAKER_00 9:47

I think people just want attention. Oh, you dated a narcissist, you you poor thing, you must be so broken, let me help you. I I think it's an attention thing. Because statistically they're not dating narcissists, they're just dating jerks, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Yeah. Or are they just taking not taking accountability in what they contributed negatively to the relationship and putting the blame on somebody else? So it's just it's easier to say, well, I was with a narcissist.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

That's what a narcissist does. Right. Right? Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

So it's like the pot calling the kettle black. But it's like, like, if you can't accept blame, that's literally what a narcissist would do.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

What's that expression? His side, her side, and the truth.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

And the truth. Yeah. Three sides. That's true. Yeah. Okay, well, you psychology experts. Yeah. There's three sides to every story.

unknown 10:39

All right.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Well, thank you, Dax, for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

I'm happy to help. I hope you guys don't think I'm a narcissist.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

No. And now I'm now I'm gonna be looking for traits. Yeah. You have made this all about yourself today.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Have I? Oh no, I won't be asked back.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

We'll give you a call back.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Well, thanks for joining us, guys. Thank you. Cheers.