Does Your Partner Have to Stay Hot?

In this episode, Claudia and Lynnie get into a question that can turn a relationship upside down: **does your partner have an obligation to stay attractive for you?**

From gaining weight and getting too comfortable to attraction fading over time, we debate where unconditional love ends and personal effort begins. 

Subscribe for more unfiltered conversations, relationship debates, and everything we probably shouldn’t say out loud.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to Coffee and Cleavage. Welcome, guys. Cheers, though. Cheers. Look at our cute new set. I know. I love it. It's so cute. Do you guys like our set? Yeah. I hope so. I'm Lenny. And I'm Claudia.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I forget to introduce ourselves. I feel like every time we like not do a show for a while, I'm like, who where are we?

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Right? I know, especially when we're trying new studios. And hello, Gary. Welcome back. Gary.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

We made it back.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

You are tan. Yeah. How was your vacation?

SPEAKER_00 0:31

It was great. I stayed out there a little longer than I wanted or not wanted to, expected to. So, but you guys replaced me for a little bit, which was great. But then I'm grateful you guys brought me back. So appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Yeah, welcome back. Everybody was wondering where you were. Yeah. Don't worry, guys. Gary's here to see. Linny, what are we chatting about today?

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Well, I think this will be a pretty interesting topic. Does your partner have to stay hot?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Ooh. That's that's an interesting topic. And I think that's interesting because I think depending on like the length of a relationship, like my last so I was married before this marriage. I was with him for 10 years. And I feel like when we were super young, like he had like that like cool like Abercrombie look, and then he like let himself go. He's probably watching, I don't give a shit. You let yourself go. Um and that was like that that's something that like changed with time. So I think I started looking at him differently. But when you're with somebody for let's say like three months and they stay hot, yeah, you don't really have that concern. Yeah. Have you ever been with anyone, Gary, that like was like hot and then like let themselves go?

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Um, I mean, kinda, yeah. Really? I think people get comfortable and they're like, hey, we've been together, so I don't really need to try anymore. Right when you ask that question, I I say like yes right away. Like you have to stay hot because then it's like you don't care. You know, essentially, like the person doesn't care because you've been together for so long. Because in the beginning, you're like, everything needs to stay good. Like we both have to stay hot, but then you're like, We're together, so like you stop doing your makeup as much, you stop doing your hair. Yeah, so it's kind of the same thing, but then guys, you know, I mean, kind of do the same thing. So yeah, I just I think it should never happen. Yeah, and I think that's the thing.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

The longer people are together, they can feel comfortable. And yeah, I guess sometimes they do end up some people let themselves go.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

So has that happened to you, Lenny? I mean, so it's happened to Claudia. Has that have you dated anyone where you guys were together for a bit and everything was good and you kind of started you started like, you know, wearing sweatpants more and just being like, hey, you know?

SPEAKER_02 2:39

I don't care about that, about someone being comfy and wanting to wear sweatpants more. That's fine.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

But like So how would you how would you say a guy essentially would like let himself go? I mean, because cause women can stop, you know, it's like stop doing your nails. It's a lot more physical for women, right? Yeah. So how would you say what would guys do?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Maybe like stop going to the gym, right? Like, yeah, if that was something you did at the start of the relationship, and then all of a sudden you're like, well, I got her, so I don't gotta keep, yeah, you know, like because because I feel like when you're dating, you're in the dating world, like you're you're in the gym, you're constantly, you know, maintaining your looks, but I think the hard part is not getting somebody, it's keeping somebody. Yeah, right. Yeah. So I think I mean for a guy, I think it's a lot easier, I guess, to let himself go because there's less things he could do to stay hot, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Yeah, because if you don't go to the gym, I mean, what else would you do to let yourself go?

SPEAKER_01 3:30

I mean, maybe like facial hair or like you know, like your hair just gets all I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Well, do you think you just almost have like essentially less drive and motivation where you're like, I don't have to do as much? Because it's like you know you're wanting to be driven, like when you're looking for a relationship, like, hey, I'm driven, I'm like, I go to the gym, I do this. Then you get someone and you're like, okay, mission accomplished. I'm like, I don't need to do all that now.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

So I mean, I think that's just like the worst way to look at a relationship. And you I feel like you always see that in marriages.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Oh, especially marriages, because you're like, we're married, so fuck it, right? It's like you're not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

So that you haven't experienced that before, Lenny? Like anyone you've dated that's kind of been like, all right, we're together.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

So I'm like No, I feel like every person I've dated, they've kind of stayed the same, you know. They haven't really I think I think that too comes with age. Aging that's when people I think tend to just not some people maybe don't give a shit anymore.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

People just do that naturally, even if they're single, like you're like, well, I'm getting old, so you know, fuck it. But I think I think the opposite. I think I take care of myself more now because I not that I'm scared of aging, because I think aging's a blessing, honestly, because you're you're getting older. Like how how many people didn't wake up today? But you know, there's so much more you have to do. Like, remember like going out, like when we were younger, like you could go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, wake up Sunday, you look great, no hangover, whatever. Now it's like we'll have drinks tonight at dinner. I will be wrecked tomorrow. Yeah for two days. Like, yeah, like sucks. But that's like with everything, like I have to pay more attention to my hair, my skin, my my makeup. Like, it's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Yeah, we used to be able to just be like, hey, like go out, stay out all night, and be like, okay, five in the morning. All right, I work at 7 30, but like and you like work. I could not do that now. That would kill me. I would be like, No, there's no way. It's funny, like the millennial thing you see, it's like nine o'clock. People are like, uh shit, should I go out? It's like, no.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Already nine. Before that, it was it's only nine.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Now it's like beginning at like nine. Like, all right, cool school at 10:30. Now it's like, fuck that.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

No, thanks. Yeah. This is an interesting question. Do you think couples get judged when there's a noticeable difference in attractiveness? Like the girl's really hot and the guy's not. Does that immediately look like well, you know, yeah, she's with him for his money? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

You know what's interesting too is I feel like every guy is so interested. Any hot girl is interested more in who they're dating. Yes. Like, for sure. Like, yes, you guys, I get I guarantee you guys are so interested. Like, what kind of guys are you into? Because they want to compare themselves. And that is like what guys do.

SPEAKER_03 6:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

It's such a weird thing. Cause like, I mean, I've even I say like I do that too, because it's like you're just interested. Like, this really hot girl, I want to see who she likes, who she dates. And that's I feel like what every guy does.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

But I I and I get like, because you know, the haters, the haters love to pick when they see like a photo or like a video of me and Dan, right? Like, they're like, oh, that's who you're with. And I'm like, hold on, like, let's let's dissect that for a second. What do you want me to be with? That's exactly yeah. Like, so so let's say, hater, you should be with a guy like me, right? So you want me to be with a fat, balding man that drives a Toyota Corolla, and that's that's acceptable. But my husband who works out, is an athlete, is a successful businessman, looks amazing, muscled, jacked, great personality. Probably like it, go on. Um, like, like, what do you want me to be with? Yeah, yeah. But they're like, no, you should be with a guy like me. Like, what is what's just easy to judge?

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Like, yeah, what do you guys think you should be with? Like a guy that's like uh like uh like in the suit, and like, or like what is it, what is like an acceptable guy? But I feel like it's just easy to be like, oh, that's the guy you're with? Like every guy.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

But I think if I was with in a with a guy that wore a suit all the time, it would be like that's who you're with. You should be with like a guy that has muscle, and I'm with a guy that has muscle, and I it's like you're it's never winning. There's no winning. There's honestly no winning now. So but I do I do judge people like that. I'm like, damn, that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

So we know guys do that. Do girls do that?

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

So do girls see like a guy and be like, I want to see who sh who he dates?

SPEAKER_01 7:47

For sure. Oh, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Yeah, I didn't know girls actually did that.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Yeah, yeah. Like we we know, you know, certain people when there's like an age gap. Yeah. Like you can't you can't tell me or with him for his looks.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Exactly. Yeah, when there's a big age gap.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Who do you judge more on that? When you see a girl, are you like, she's beautiful, she should be with someone very successful. And if you see them and it's like a guy who's like, okay, he's not really that great looking. Are you like, why are you like, oh, like, cool, good for her? I mean, what do you immediately think of that?

SPEAKER_01 8:20

I think I judge more a man on that because a woman, I think naturally a woman's just a woman, especially our age, is gonna go for somebody that checks all her boxes. A guy is strictly looking for the hottest piece of ass he could find, and then he learns how to tolerate the things he doesn't like with a woman. A woman won't do that. Yeah, a woman needs like certain things, and a man's just like, I just want the hottest chick. A guy doesn't go to a bar looking for his, you know, kid's mom one day. Yeah. He looks for the hottest girl. A woman's like, no, I need a man that d right.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

So I think I think women have it harder in that regard.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

Well, because he could be hot, but he could be a total douchebag. Right, you know, which there's a lot of that. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Well, it's like a lot of I mean, that could go both ways though. Cause a lot of women that are like beautiful, I mean, are very, I mean, like you get so much attention, it's like, hey, you're beautiful. It's like, fuck off. Like everyone tells me that. So it's like guys don't get that. I mean, I feel like girls can be like in a bar and guys can be hitting on them. They're just annoying. But if I was at a bar and girls kept hitting on me, I'd be like, fuck, I look good. This is hell yeah. Like, I wouldn't be like, I'm annoyed. I mean, maybe some guys get that, but I mean, I feel like that's where it's so different for guys and girls.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

It is. Would you want your partner if it came down to it to tell you, babe, like you're you're you're slipping up a little, like you're you're letting yourself go. Would you want to do that? I would you say that. Let's join the gym.

SPEAKER_03 9:53

Let's. Let's. Let's.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

I feel like I'd be so offended, but I don't know. I don't know. Like I wasn't gonna be honest with me.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

So so I'll so I'll tell you guys from from personal experience, and this is very recent in my life, and this this isn't a negative, but I'm going through like all these like different hormonal things. I I have like suspected endometriosis, so I'm on like all these different types of medications and steroids and hormones and whatever. And because I'm on all these different types of of meds, I've noticed I've put on like 10, 15 pounds.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

I was gonna say, you look like you lost weight. I don't think you look like you've gained weight, girl.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

No, 10, 15 pounds. Like, I'm not even joking. All right here? Yeah, maybe it's all in the cleavage part. And I'm like, I'm noticing because like I put on like a pair of pants and I couldn't get them past like here. Like, I'm not even joking. And it was so bad and so tight, Gary, that I thought I like shrunk them, but I've never even washed these pants because they're dry clean only. So I'm like, shit, like I am actually gaining weight. And I went to Dan and I'm like, Am I getting fat? And he goes, Yeah, you are.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

And I'm like, I love how real you but he's like, What? You want me to be honest?

SPEAKER_01 11:04

No, he's like, Yeah, you are. And I'm like, You weren't gonna tell me? And he's like, Well, you know you are. Like, and but he's like, but he's like, What do you want me to do? Like, what do you want me to tell you? Like, he's like, I don't like he's like, You're you're on all these different medications, like you're you're not feeling good. Like, well, my wife's down like in the dumps and feeling like shit. I'm supposed to be like, Oh, by the way, you're also fat. But I'm like, but you need to like, because I don't see myself like you see me. So, like, you know, I see myself in the mirror every day. So, like, I don't I don't see the weight coming on. I see the on the scale. I'm like, you didn't tell me, and he's like, Well, like, what do you want me to do? Like, I know you'll lose it eventually.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

But I'm just hard to be like, yeah, so you're like putting on some weight, like you there's no easy way to say to your girlfriend wife, any anyone you're even dating, like, so you're like, are you just gaining some weight right now, or what's what's up?

SPEAKER_03 11:54

There's no good way to say that.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

I mean, guys, I feel like can take it a lot easier. I mean, like, I could take like, oh, you're like you're gaining weight, like, and I because you I feel like you know if you are, you know your body, and it's like, I mean, yeah, I'd be like, I I wouldn't care. I feel like women get very very yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Well, not bullshitting you. I feel like you look like you lost weight. Really? Yeah, I don't think you look like you've gained weight at all.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

No, literally, like where are you putting it, girl? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'll get naked for you later. You can see what about like like a bad haircut? Have you ever gotten a haircut or like a partner gotten a haircut where you're just like yes, really?

SPEAKER_02 12:29

Yeah, yeah. Like you have or he has? I mean, I don't think I have.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

I mean, if I have, then I feel like you're you were way too nice to be like say anything. She wouldn't say anything.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

She's a little mouse, she's too nice.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Does this look bad?

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Like, no, no, it doesn't. Like, it looks great.

SPEAKER_00 12:45

Like, you wouldn't where you sometimes you need to be honest. Like, honestly, it does not look great. Like, because you feel like you're gonna hurt someone's feelings, but that's just you being anyone's feelings. Might be like, Yeah, it looks like shit.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Like, I probably wouldn't be very honest. I should be, but you really sometimes you have to be though.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

You have to, like, you have to.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Like when I dyed my hair red, Dan was like, No, that looks like shit.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

It's like that's not a look.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Great. Do you know how hard it is to go back? Yeah, from red to blonde. I'm gonna die. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

Okay, well, that is hard for sure.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

Linny's too nice. We gotta work on Linny, Gary.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

I feel like I'm, you know, like I wouldn't let someone leave the house if I thought, like, okay, if his outfit looked bad or something, you know, be like, you shouldn't be wearing the socks with the shoes. Would you say that though? Or would you be like, hmm? I would because that's easy to change. True, you know, but about their whole haircut or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

But it's like, I feel like sometimes it need you need to say and you can say it in a good way. Like, we're unless it's a very sensitive guy, like guys can take things like like hey, like you, I mean, like, I don't know, maybe a lot can't, but I mean it's kind of helping them. Like, hey, you know, like what's going on with your hair today? Looks weird.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

And do you think it's okay, because I'm sure people are thinking about it, is it okay to go through phases where you don't find your partner as attractive?

SPEAKER_02 14:09

I mean, it's hard. That is hard.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

It's kind of interesting though, because it's like unless they were switching something, why would you but I mean I guess you can get comfortable and kind of be like, okay, I'm like, I don't know, like seeing other people attractive and you get more comfortable with them, maybe. Yeah. I mean, maybe that happens because it's like the whole chase, and you get them and you're just kind of like used to them. You're used to them. And you're like, all right, well that's why it's almost like people almost need to try just as hard or harder, just keep it like good. But I mean, I think people just go, Okay, we're good in this, so I don't need to try anymore.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

I saw something really interesting a a while ago and it and it's always stuck with me. Like when you say you're like in love with somebody, people I think when you're young, you think being in love is like a feeling. Like, oh, I'm in love, and like there's butterflies and like fun, like you know, like in your your stomach and like whatever, like that's a feeling. But I think like the older you get, you realize love is a choice. Like I choose every day to wake up and love you. And those people that I think fall out of love, and you know, they may fall out of love because of of looks, you're choosing to not choose your partner anymore. So your wife, yeah, like like I would never let myself gain, you know, 150 pounds, but if I did, you know, Dan could make the choice. Well, I'm choosing to not be in love with you anymore because I didn't fall in love with a 300-pound woman, and I don't want that for myself. So I think that's like something people have to keep in mind too.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Like, yeah, your your girl may have gained 10, 15 pounds, but you know Well, it's also you're not just sitting there being like eating and shit, like, oh, I'm just I'm just like gaining weight. Like, I don't care. You have like issues going on. So it's like you're taking stuff. So I think that's completely different too. So it's like, yeah, you've gained I get why you'd say that. Like, yeah, you gain weight because you're doing this, and it's like, you know, essentially, like, you know, you're not able to work out or do something where I'm sure with your surgeries, you've experienced that too, where you can't do anything. And if you gain weight, it's kind of fucked up for someone to be like, you know, you're gaining weight, so I'm gonna have to bounce. Like, obviously, you see, and if it's it's like the same with a guy, you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:21

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Well, Lenny's perfect, so we don't have to worry about that with Little. Um God. Well, interesting topic. Yeah. Let us know in the comments, guys. Does your partner have to stay hot? Yeah. And I'm sorry to my husband for gaining weight.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

Keep coming down here. You have not gained any weight. I swear. Well, thanks, guys. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

And thanks for coming back, Gary.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Yeah, thanks for having me.